he matters.

The last two days we started our 'after school program.' It has gone really well so far. We have been singing various songs, (hip hip hip hippopotamus, pharaoh pharaoh, waves of mercy, and trading my sorrows), making picture frames and pictures, and eating many snacks. It was so fun and they are so well behaved, so it runs very smoothly. There are a total of 16 of them, with their ages ranging from infant to fifteen. At the end of our time together, they all line up at the door as they prepare themselves for a hug and they each tilt their heads up in anticipation of a kiss on the forehead. It's so sweet. I have grown to love them all and appreciate all their differences. Today we were scheduled to go to a youth meeting, but plans were canceled so we had a laid back day with them. It was nice to play a little frisbee and some more hand games. They all also love climbing the Restrick's tangerine tree and picking unripe tangerines. We all sat in the grass, peeled endless amounts of fruit, and enjoyed each others 'sour faces.'

I got to thinking about the kids today and about what it will be like when the time comes to say goodbye. It will be difficult to tell them all goodbye, but I feel like they all have abilities and will have opportunities to grow up and have a chance in this society. Except for one of them. Merrelli has stolen my heart and I can't bear to think of what things will be like for him in the future. To have parents that don't have hope for you, and that don't have the money to afford the resources you need to make it in the future makes me feel ill. Even if his parents did have the money to afford the resources that Merrelli desperately needs, this area is so underdeveloped that I don't think those places even exist. Most parents here are so busy and distracted with every day life that they don't take the time to invest in their children, especially those that need more care and attention than the others. Merrelli is not disciplined because his parents don't see a need to work with him, because to them, it's not worth it, he is unlike the others. In the beginning of this journey, I never thought that I would ever want to take any of these kids back to America. Yes, of course we would love to have them all, but deep down, I don't really think America isn't the answer for all of the world's problems, or think that it would be ideal to take every kid there. However, in this case, I feel that Merrelli is such an exception. I wish more than anything that I had a second plane ticket back to the States. I wish I had the ability to place him into a special education preschool and take him to a speech pathologist. I want him to know that I believe in him, I believe he can succeed and I know he will talk one day. I want to work with him one on one and teach him right from wrong. I want place him on a little boys soccer team because he loves soccer so much and is so active. I want love him, each and every day, despite his differences and individual struggles. I want to be able to give him a bath and put him in a new pair of clothes. I want to care about his likes and dislikes and invest in him, because he does matter. I cannot say I have all the answers, in fact I most definitely do not. But when we live in a country that is filled with so many resources that seem to just be at our fingertips, how do I not feel like I can help? I am not saying that things would be easy for him in America either, I definitely know the struggles we have had with Ben and understand things would take a lot of work. Still, I do not understand this situation. How can there be no help for these people in this country? But even if there was help and aid for the disabled, I am not sure if their parents or care givers would take advantage of the help. Families work together here, but Merrelli, along with other disabled people, is not seen as a "help" to his family, but rather a burden. This makes me so sad, and it is so difficult when it seems like there is no hope. I can't blame anyone in this situation. The family is not to blame because they are apart of a society that is striving for survival. It's just an ugly continuous cycle. This will be my biggest struggle coming home. What now? Do I just think, well it's one boy, and surely he will be fine. No. I can't bring myself to do that. This precious four year old boy that has taken over a huge piece of my heart. He has so much potential. He has the potential to be a blessing to so many and to be smothered with so much love. He has the potential to be educated and worked with one-on-one, but not here. I do not know how to stop my heart from hurting for him, or how to stop asking why he was brought into my life. I feel that his life is intended to be so much bigger this. I can't help but believe things could be better for him.. that things are meant to be better for him. In fact, I know they could be. I pray that God shows me what he has intended me to learn/do/bring/make from this. I can't help but believe there is more for Merrelli than this.